Ridiculous "News" Headlines

Every now and then I start to feel guilty about not being fully aware of the happenings around the world. When this nagging little feeling starts to really get to me, I will read the "news".

I have learned over the years not to necessarily trust the news, as it is rarely impartial. So instead I have decided to revel in the ridiculousness of it all, and today will celebrate the absurd.

1)

Britney Spears' driver's license case dismissed

LOS ANGELES (AP) - The criminal driving-without-a-license case against Britney Spears in Los Angeles has been dismissed. A mistrial was declared Tuesday morning when jurors said they couldn't come up with a unanimous decision following two full days of deliberations. Jurors were deadlocked 10-2 in favor of acquitting the pop singer of any wrongdoing. A couple of hours later, prosecutors said they would not pursue the criminal case further, and the case was dismissed.

It must be nice to be famous. 'Nuff said.

2)Dallas hospital bills woman who never saw a doctor
DALLAS (AP) -- A woman says she waited 19 hours at Parkland Memorial Hospital's emergency department for treatment of a broken leg and never did get to see a doctor - but still got a bill for $162. Amber Joy Milbrodt, who said she broke a bone in her leg while playing volleyball, received the bill two weeks after her Sept. 24 visit....


I totally believe this. When I took my husband to the ER for stitches, we waited four hours, and I had said to the nurse, I bet it'll be fifteen stitches and he needs a tetanus shot. The ER Doc popped his head into the room (not his whole body, just the head) and said "He needs fifteen stitches and a tetanus shot". We never saw him again. The ER billed us $300 and then the doctor's billing service billed us another $300. I paid the first one, and sent a zinger of a letter in place of my check to the second one. Interestingly enough, they were happy to write off the bill.

3)

Woman accused of tending bar in the buff

ALTON, Ill. (AP) -- It's a different take on belly up to the bar. A 24-year-old female bartender in the Mississippi River community of Alton was charged with misdemeanor lewd entertainment after apparently working in the buff. Police arrested the woman last Friday at the Pub Room after someone called to complain.

Authorities said the woman had managed to put on a shirt before officers arrived.

It's not the first time it's happened in that area.

Last month in nearby Jersey County, a 33-year-old bartender at The Cabin Incorporated in Delhi was charged with public indecency after sheriff's deputies found her working nude.

That county's liquor regulators subsequently suspended the tavern's liquor license for 30 days and fined its owner $500.

Now, here's what I want to know: WHO called to complain about the nude 24 year old bartendress? Or maybe a better question is, how ugly was she? I mean I know a lot of guys, and NONE of them would make that phone call.

4)Man nabbed with frozen shrimp bags down his pants
BRADENTON, Fla. (AP) -- Authorities said a man tried to steal several bags of frozen shrimp from a supermarket by hiding them down his pants. The Manatee County Sheriff's Office reported that an off-duty detective was shopping at a Sweetbay supermarket Sunday when he noticed what appeared to be a man with groceries stuffed in his pants....

Wow. I don't know if I could write anything here that is any funnier than the headline alone.

5)

School's fundraising pitch gives alumni the blahs

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. (AP) -- An attempt to reach younger donors with a breezily written letter that uses the word "blah" 137 times has some Framingham State College alumni questioning the school's professionalism, judgment and ... blah, blah, blah.

The Sept. 5 letter, signed by the president of the school's alumni association, was sent to about 6,000 recent graduates who hadn't donated to the school. It used standard fundraising pitches, interspersed with sentences of nothing but "blah."

"With the recent economic downturn and loan crisis, it has become even more important for Framingham State College to receive your support. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," one part of the letter read.

Christopher Hendry, the school's vice president of college advancement, told the MetroWest Daily News of Framingham he approved the letter, which he said was written in a marketing style expected to appeal to younger donors.

Alumnus Ken Shifman, a 2003 graduate, said the letter "insults the intelligence" of alumni.

Wow. I know I said that about the previous story, but ..