Every now and then you come across a word that just BEGS to be redefined. Here are some of my favorites. Some of them are not really words in the first place, I'm fairly certain.
1) Fallimento... from the Mob Wars application in Facebook. In this app, it means that you can't place a bounty on yourself.
In my loopy brain, I think it means an indecent sexual act from a minty fresh candy.
2) Non-Filer Syndrome... a clinical definition given to government employees who have evaded paying taxes, claiming that they are depressed.
I think it's what applies to those freaks you see in the Guinness Book of World Records that have ridiculously long fingernails.
3) Sobriquet (pron. so-brick-ay).. means nickname.
I think it means a game of croquet for members of AA. Okay that's a long shot, but I had to take it.
4) Cosmopolite...means a cosmopolitan person (makes sense)
I think it sounds like a very friendly alcoholic drink.
5) Numismatics... the collection and study of coins
I think it applies to all the freaks who put up videos of themselves lip-synching to that Numa Numa song.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Girls In Reality Like Sports (G.I.R.L.S.)
You have no idea how many tries it took to come up with that GIRLS thing. Geez. It's been a long, crappy day in Upstate New York, so pardon me if I'm not at my prime.
So here's the thing. I mean it when I say I like sports. Specifically, baseball, football, basketball, hockey, soccer.... okay I think you get the point. MORE specifically, I am a rabid BoSox fan and I enjoy a Patriots game or two. What? I live in NY, I'm a girl, now you're whole world is crumbling down around you... how can this all be?!?!
Okay, so I was raised by a fairly competitive woman who, as she reads this, is saying "Moi? Competitive? I don't know what you mean...". But she is, and as a result I HATED competition when I was in my formative years. You know, had to do the opposite of my parents. Teen Angst. All that Psych 101 bullshit.
Last year one of my friends (YES, YOU Sarah) taught me about football when she came to my house. We watched an entire New England Patriots game, and by the second half of the game, I was cheering at all the right times, and looking frustrated at all the right times too. She seemed pleased with this situation, and I was just damn impressed that I had sat through an ENTIRE football game. I hadn't done that since high school, when I was in marching band. Oh, boy. I just admitted to you that I was a band geek. Crap.
Shortly after this, say in the spring, Sarah was also responsible for my enjoyment of the Red Sox. I lived in Boston for a few years, even lived within three blocks of Fenway. Never ONCE did I go to a game. I'm now kicking myself for that, since my new goal is to shell out $300 for dugout seats. But I will do it, mark my words.
It's funny to me when people are surprised that I like baseball or football. I realize that being a fan is known as a "guy" thing, but the fact is, I find it really enjoyable. I don't have the ability to rattle off stats the way men can, but the minute Dustin Pedroia steps up to the plate, I know who it is even before I've seen his face, just based on the way he holds the bat. I know all of the routines the batters go through during each at bat. I know that Kevin Youkilis plays first base really well, but that whenever Mike Lowell is on the DL he can switch to third and he's great there, too. I know that Jason Varitek is the best catcher ever, and a very bright team captain. And I know that Jonathon Papelbon is a force to be reckoned with.
I love talking Red Sox with anyone willing to listen. Problem is, I live in New York. Not too many fans around here. Not only that, but you can't find a game on tv unless it happens to be on TBS, or ESPN. Or it's Postseason and they're in the championship. Speaking of which, I really REALLY hope they come up with a new motto next year. If I had heard "There's only one October" one more time I would have to hurt someone. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Watching them NOT win the ALCS was painful. Really painful. Here's the difference between men and women. I wanted to cry, but was worried my hubby would mock me ceaselessly. Now that I've opened it up to the public, of course, I am open to your ridicule as well. Damn. Why do I keep doing that?!?
Anyway, long story short, I LIKE SPORTS. And I'm planning on teaching non-sports fans about the joys of baseball. Watch out, men in sports bars around the country. Women are hanging out there, too, and we don't want to get hit on, we just want to watch the damn game.
So here's the thing. I mean it when I say I like sports. Specifically, baseball, football, basketball, hockey, soccer.... okay I think you get the point. MORE specifically, I am a rabid BoSox fan and I enjoy a Patriots game or two. What? I live in NY, I'm a girl, now you're whole world is crumbling down around you... how can this all be?!?!
Okay, so I was raised by a fairly competitive woman who, as she reads this, is saying "Moi? Competitive? I don't know what you mean...". But she is, and as a result I HATED competition when I was in my formative years. You know, had to do the opposite of my parents. Teen Angst. All that Psych 101 bullshit.
Last year one of my friends (YES, YOU Sarah) taught me about football when she came to my house. We watched an entire New England Patriots game, and by the second half of the game, I was cheering at all the right times, and looking frustrated at all the right times too. She seemed pleased with this situation, and I was just damn impressed that I had sat through an ENTIRE football game. I hadn't done that since high school, when I was in marching band. Oh, boy. I just admitted to you that I was a band geek. Crap.
Shortly after this, say in the spring, Sarah was also responsible for my enjoyment of the Red Sox. I lived in Boston for a few years, even lived within three blocks of Fenway. Never ONCE did I go to a game. I'm now kicking myself for that, since my new goal is to shell out $300 for dugout seats. But I will do it, mark my words.
It's funny to me when people are surprised that I like baseball or football. I realize that being a fan is known as a "guy" thing, but the fact is, I find it really enjoyable. I don't have the ability to rattle off stats the way men can, but the minute Dustin Pedroia steps up to the plate, I know who it is even before I've seen his face, just based on the way he holds the bat. I know all of the routines the batters go through during each at bat. I know that Kevin Youkilis plays first base really well, but that whenever Mike Lowell is on the DL he can switch to third and he's great there, too. I know that Jason Varitek is the best catcher ever, and a very bright team captain. And I know that Jonathon Papelbon is a force to be reckoned with.
I love talking Red Sox with anyone willing to listen. Problem is, I live in New York. Not too many fans around here. Not only that, but you can't find a game on tv unless it happens to be on TBS, or ESPN. Or it's Postseason and they're in the championship. Speaking of which, I really REALLY hope they come up with a new motto next year. If I had heard "There's only one October" one more time I would have to hurt someone. It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Watching them NOT win the ALCS was painful. Really painful. Here's the difference between men and women. I wanted to cry, but was worried my hubby would mock me ceaselessly. Now that I've opened it up to the public, of course, I am open to your ridicule as well. Damn. Why do I keep doing that?!?
Anyway, long story short, I LIKE SPORTS. And I'm planning on teaching non-sports fans about the joys of baseball. Watch out, men in sports bars around the country. Women are hanging out there, too, and we don't want to get hit on, we just want to watch the damn game.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Ridiculous "News" Headlines
Every now and then I start to feel guilty about not being fully aware of the happenings around the world. When this nagging little feeling starts to really get to me, I will read the "news".
I have learned over the years not to necessarily trust the news, as it is rarely impartial. So instead I have decided to revel in the ridiculousness of it all, and today will celebrate the absurd.
1)
LOS ANGELES (AP) - The criminal driving-without-a-license case against Britney Spears in Los Angeles has been dismissed. A mistrial was declared Tuesday morning when jurors said they couldn't come up with a unanimous decision following two full days of deliberations. Jurors were deadlocked 10-2 in favor of acquitting the pop singer of any wrongdoing. A couple of hours later, prosecutors said they would not pursue the criminal case further, and the case was dismissed.
It must be nice to be famous. 'Nuff said.
2)Dallas hospital bills woman who never saw a doctor
DALLAS (AP) -- A woman says she waited 19 hours at Parkland Memorial Hospital's emergency department for treatment of a broken leg and never did get to see a doctor - but still got a bill for $162. Amber Joy Milbrodt, who said she broke a bone in her leg while playing volleyball, received the bill two weeks after her Sept. 24 visit....
I totally believe this. When I took my husband to the ER for stitches, we waited four hours, and I had said to the nurse, I bet it'll be fifteen stitches and he needs a tetanus shot. The ER Doc popped his head into the room (not his whole body, just the head) and said "He needs fifteen stitches and a tetanus shot". We never saw him again. The ER billed us $300 and then the doctor's billing service billed us another $300. I paid the first one, and sent a zinger of a letter in place of my check to the second one. Interestingly enough, they were happy to write off the bill.
3)
Now, here's what I want to know: WHO called to complain about the nude 24 year old bartendress? Or maybe a better question is, how ugly was she? I mean I know a lot of guys, and NONE of them would make that phone call.
4)Man nabbed with frozen shrimp bags down his pants
BRADENTON, Fla. (AP) -- Authorities said a man tried to steal several bags of frozen shrimp from a supermarket by hiding them down his pants. The Manatee County Sheriff's Office reported that an off-duty detective was shopping at a Sweetbay supermarket Sunday when he noticed what appeared to be a man with groceries stuffed in his pants....
Wow. I don't know if I could write anything here that is any funnier than the headline alone.
5)
I have learned over the years not to necessarily trust the news, as it is rarely impartial. So instead I have decided to revel in the ridiculousness of it all, and today will celebrate the absurd.
1)
Britney Spears' driver's license case dismissed
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It must be nice to be famous. 'Nuff said.
2)Dallas hospital bills woman who never saw a doctor
DALLAS (AP) -- A woman says she waited 19 hours at Parkland Memorial Hospital's emergency department for treatment of a broken leg and never did get to see a doctor - but still got a bill for $162. Amber Joy Milbrodt, who said she broke a bone in her leg while playing volleyball, received the bill two weeks after her Sept. 24 visit....
I totally believe this. When I took my husband to the ER for stitches, we waited four hours, and I had said to the nurse, I bet it'll be fifteen stitches and he needs a tetanus shot. The ER Doc popped his head into the room (not his whole body, just the head) and said "He needs fifteen stitches and a tetanus shot". We never saw him again. The ER billed us $300 and then the doctor's billing service billed us another $300. I paid the first one, and sent a zinger of a letter in place of my check to the second one. Interestingly enough, they were happy to write off the bill.
3)
Woman accused of tending bar in the buff
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ALTON, Ill. (AP) -- It's a different take on belly up to the bar. A 24-year-old female bartender in the Mississippi River community of Alton was charged with misdemeanor lewd entertainment after apparently working in the buff. Police arrested the woman last Friday at the Pub Room after someone called to complain.
Authorities said the woman had managed to put on a shirt before officers arrived.
It's not the first time it's happened in that area.
Last month in nearby Jersey County, a 33-year-old bartender at The Cabin Incorporated in Delhi was charged with public indecency after sheriff's deputies found her working nude.
That county's liquor regulators subsequently suspended the tavern's liquor license for 30 days and fined its owner $500.
Now, here's what I want to know: WHO called to complain about the nude 24 year old bartendress? Or maybe a better question is, how ugly was she? I mean I know a lot of guys, and NONE of them would make that phone call.
4)Man nabbed with frozen shrimp bags down his pants
BRADENTON, Fla. (AP) -- Authorities said a man tried to steal several bags of frozen shrimp from a supermarket by hiding them down his pants. The Manatee County Sheriff's Office reported that an off-duty detective was shopping at a Sweetbay supermarket Sunday when he noticed what appeared to be a man with groceries stuffed in his pants....
Wow. I don't know if I could write anything here that is any funnier than the headline alone.
5)
School's fundraising pitch gives alumni the blahs
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FRAMINGHAM, Mass. (AP) -- An attempt to reach younger donors with a breezily written letter that uses the word "blah" 137 times has some Framingham State College alumni questioning the school's professionalism, judgment and ... blah, blah, blah.
The Sept. 5 letter, signed by the president of the school's alumni association, was sent to about 6,000 recent graduates who hadn't donated to the school. It used standard fundraising pitches, interspersed with sentences of nothing but "blah."
"With the recent economic downturn and loan crisis, it has become even more important for Framingham State College to receive your support. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," one part of the letter read.
Christopher Hendry, the school's vice president of college advancement, told the MetroWest Daily News of Framingham he approved the letter, which he said was written in a marketing style expected to appeal to younger donors.
Alumnus Ken Shifman, a 2003 graduate, said the letter "insults the intelligence" of alumni.
Wow. I know I said that about the previous story, but ..
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